"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet..." Shakespeare, Romeo & Juliet
Recently my daughter overheard some junior high kids talking. One boy asked another, "If you have sex with a prostitute without her consent, is it rape, or is it shoplifting?"
Snicker snicker snicker.
It's supposed to be funny, right? Maybe I just don't have a sense of humor, but as a person of the female persuasion, and the mother of three daughters, I rarely find jokes about rape funny. Particularly when they come out of the mouths of 14 year old boys and my 14 year old daughter seems to think the boys are being clever. Maybe I should lighten up, because in a way, the word play is clever.
But then I heard a segment on NPR about date rape. A young woman went drinking with some friends and during the evening, when she was fairly well drunk, another drunken friend, a young man, raped her. Troubled about this encounter, she confided in her female friends, and her friends, her friends!, laughed at her. For the next year she became the butt of their jokes. When they drank together, they warned her, "better watch out, if you get drunk you might assault yourself again." The meaning being that if you're drunk, you deserve whatever happens to you. If you're drunk, you can't really get raped, especially not by a friend who is also drunk. Right? But if it's not rape what is it? A mistake? A confusion of communication? So the guy gets his jollies, and the girl gets the pain, but that's okay, because she was drunk?
Unfortunately for this circle of friends, another young woman was raped under the same circumstances. This time it didn't seem so funny to any of them, and they reported it to the police. Let's hope the police officers were more enlightened.
We've come a long way baby - all the way back to the beginning of the struggle.
So let me say it now: Sex without consent is rape.
Doesn't matter if the woman is a prostitute (or the boy or the man is a prostitute). Even if you pay the prostitute first, if she changes her mind and says, "No" and you proceed anyway, it's rape.
Sex with a person who is too drunk, or drugged, to give consent is rape.
Sex without consent with a person who is your otherwise sexy, flirtatious girlfriend or wife is rape.
Sex with a child, even if the child gives consent, is rape.
If you are part of a culture that allows slavery, sex with your slave is rape, even if your slave gives consent.
Rape. It's an ugly word for an ugly act. Rape by any other name, a drunken mistake, a misunderstanding, a service paid for, a marital right, an owner's prerogative, an "I couldn't help myself," is still ugly, still traumatic, still painful, still heartbreaking and still rape.
I have three daughters, and I also have two sons. I hope, I hope, I hope that I have taught all my children about respect for themselves and for others. I hope I have educated all of them to understand when to say "no" and when to respect someone else's "no". I hope they know how to protect themselves and how to protect others. And I hope that none of them ever thinks that rape is something to laugh about.
Recently my daughter overheard some junior high kids talking. One boy asked another, "If you have sex with a prostitute without her consent, is it rape, or is it shoplifting?"
Snicker snicker snicker.
It's supposed to be funny, right? Maybe I just don't have a sense of humor, but as a person of the female persuasion, and the mother of three daughters, I rarely find jokes about rape funny. Particularly when they come out of the mouths of 14 year old boys and my 14 year old daughter seems to think the boys are being clever. Maybe I should lighten up, because in a way, the word play is clever.
But then I heard a segment on NPR about date rape. A young woman went drinking with some friends and during the evening, when she was fairly well drunk, another drunken friend, a young man, raped her. Troubled about this encounter, she confided in her female friends, and her friends, her friends!, laughed at her. For the next year she became the butt of their jokes. When they drank together, they warned her, "better watch out, if you get drunk you might assault yourself again." The meaning being that if you're drunk, you deserve whatever happens to you. If you're drunk, you can't really get raped, especially not by a friend who is also drunk. Right? But if it's not rape what is it? A mistake? A confusion of communication? So the guy gets his jollies, and the girl gets the pain, but that's okay, because she was drunk?
Unfortunately for this circle of friends, another young woman was raped under the same circumstances. This time it didn't seem so funny to any of them, and they reported it to the police. Let's hope the police officers were more enlightened.
We've come a long way baby - all the way back to the beginning of the struggle.
So let me say it now: Sex without consent is rape.
Doesn't matter if the woman is a prostitute (or the boy or the man is a prostitute). Even if you pay the prostitute first, if she changes her mind and says, "No" and you proceed anyway, it's rape.
Sex with a person who is too drunk, or drugged, to give consent is rape.
Sex without consent with a person who is your otherwise sexy, flirtatious girlfriend or wife is rape.
Sex with a child, even if the child gives consent, is rape.
If you are part of a culture that allows slavery, sex with your slave is rape, even if your slave gives consent.
Rape. It's an ugly word for an ugly act. Rape by any other name, a drunken mistake, a misunderstanding, a service paid for, a marital right, an owner's prerogative, an "I couldn't help myself," is still ugly, still traumatic, still painful, still heartbreaking and still rape.
I have three daughters, and I also have two sons. I hope, I hope, I hope that I have taught all my children about respect for themselves and for others. I hope I have educated all of them to understand when to say "no" and when to respect someone else's "no". I hope they know how to protect themselves and how to protect others. And I hope that none of them ever thinks that rape is something to laugh about.
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